Quiet...

I've been quietly trying to get back on track. I've had a great two weeks but I decided for my sanity for a bit that maybe I need to explore some medication therapy. I have never been on any psychiatric medications before but I'm know really wondering if I need to open my eyes to them more while I get back on track. That Saturday a few weeks ago essentially scared the shit out of me. I was seriously thinking some crazy shit. I identified it, claimed it, and started to fall back on my skills as a human being. What I did well was I increased my coping skills, got off the 3 cups of coffee, and started to exercise again. When baby learning sleeps, I can hit the gym. When he doesn't sleep well, I chose sleep as broken as that might be. I set up a meeting on Friday to visit my PCP to discuss the baby blues. I can pinpoint it to July but to tell you the truth, I struggled with depression throughout my pregnancy. The focus on weight, not being in control, and not being able to work out which is one of my skills really threw me for a loop. I know that psychiatric medications are not the key to success but I want to get back to my norm were I'm more even as a person. I feel I'm out of sorts a lot. I try to keep it in, work through it, but I'm getting exhausted. My mind is quieter this week with the negative self talk but it's a struggle. I'm so down on myself and that sucks. We'll see what he says and I will keep an open mind because I'm so tired of feeling emotionally flat. I know a lot of it has to do with the lack of sleep. Lets just say that REM is not happening right now. I know it's just a phase but it will be great to get out of this fog soon :)

I struggled last week, bad, real bad. It must have been a massive funk or baby blues but I can say, I have a new found understanding what depression feels like and it freaking sucks. I was low...Saturday was the worst. I was at an amusement park, surrounded by a ton of people, I was supposed to be having fun, and all I felt was despair and emptiness. I had awful thoughts, pure awful. It freaked me out. I knew it had to stop and that I wasn’t setting myself up for success. I failed to exercise last month, my eating went from balanced to unbalanced, sleep was horrible, I failed to take my vitamins, and I failed to use my skills that I have. I talked to Mr. Learning. I told him I needed some uninterrupted sleep, some positive encouragement, and we need to put the lifestyle on hold until I get my head clear. My head was so foggy from the night before. I need to work on myself with self esteem, I need to become the new me before we hit the lifestyle again. The talk with the regulars really spurred me into a tizzy. Not in a bad way but in a way that points out that we need some direction with everything. We’re spinning around looking for some direction...but hopefully in a good direction...on on-track direction.