Sunday, December 30, 2012

Happy almost new year...

It's been a rough year for me.  I am a person who does not transition well but putting my needs behind my family needs was essential this year.  How I responded to the transition was not necessarily good but I doubt if I could have handled it any other way.  Now after the dust has settled, I still miss my old life, my old co-workers, my old neighborhood/neighbors but I am accepting this reality and open to creating a better life in my new area.  We are finally forging ahead.   Meeting new people is rough but hopefully the summer will bring some new friendships.  It's boring not to have some friends.  We figure that we are going to get the kid involved in gymnastics this winter plus swimming so maybe that will get us involved with some vanilla friends.  We are trying to get out more with our son and creating family memories.  Life has been filled with visiting parks to feed the ducks or hitting the local museum. What is also helping is that our son is not handing us our asses as much anymore.  Nothing is better than a 21 month old controlling us.  We stepped up the parenting and he's doing better.

As for swinging...it's out there...hopefully down the road.  To answer your question, John, there is a group that I belong online to who is doing a meet up in April in Columbus at a club so hopefully the cards will be in our favor to go :) It's been years since we have been to a club so I would love to go even if Mr. Learning and I will be voyeurs.  We are dying for some couple time.  We still have yet to secure a babysitter but hopefully that will happen soon!

So here's to a good new year.  It's been an interesting two years and we are ready for things to settle down.  Here's a big kiss to you all.  Take care and happy New Years!

Monday, November 12, 2012

And the week came...

Update...finally getting settled here.  The physical move was terrific because my husband's company hired movers for us.   Nothing like a relocation company taking care of you but unpacking was a bitch.  We are glad to be done with that.  Now I just need to organize things a tad better and everything will be fine.

The one good thing about buying a newer home is that nothing needs to be done because it's newer.  At our old house, we were constantly working on a project every month.  If it wasn't this, it was that...now we get to relax.  Sure there's some finishing stuff like finishing out the basement and completing the drywall in the garage but that's about it.

I got back to Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago and joined a gym as well.  It feels great to be back into some type of routine because oh how I let my emotions get the best out of me the last few months.  Emotional eating and me were best friends so needless to say, I hit an all time high but that's okay because I am back on track.  I am tracking my points and devoting an hour a day to myself with exercise and it feels great to have some me time.

Now it's just time to reconnect with the hubby.  This past weekend was the first time that we had a whole day together without the kid.  I absolutely love the kid but we have not been kid free since June of 2011and it was nice just to be out.  We need to have more balance in this area but it will come as we get settled.

The new job is okay, the team likes me, and I had an awesome 90 day review.  I still can't compare it to where I was, but that's not fair.  In a year, I will feel like I have been there forever.

No swinging action going on of course.  We are looking at going down to Columbus in April for a meet up with some people so that could be fun.  I am just living vicariously through others and watching SWING on playboy TV.  Got to love it...so keep the adventures coming.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

One more week? one more week? one more...

In order to make it through the week, I have been telling myself "just one more week...you can do it".  We are at the tail end of this moving journey that has totally taken over our life for the past two years and I just keep telling myself in "one more week we will know more".  I know it almost done but I am so ready to be done that it's not even funny.  We are almost there.  House is sold but the new owners have not closed on it.  New house is completed but it's still not done...it looks done but not done.  No close date yet but once we have it...boom...things will start to move.

As I was sitting with someone today, my mantra with them was give up to get more.   I was letting her know that she had to give up control to get more control.  This is kind of what I need right now as I move through this new journey.  I have just needed to let go of things so I could gain control of the situation.  Maybe it would have made this transition easier, maybe it would have been smoother.  I don't know but maybe, just maybe.

The other thing is that I have lost myself in the past two years.  I don't really know who I am anymore.  I know who I used to be but I don't necessarily know if I like the person who I am now.  I need to switch it up.  I need to make myself a priority again, start to care again, start to get excited again, and get that passion back.  That intensity that really makes things spark up in life because I am tired of this.  This is not working for me because I want to participate again but in what? I am not too sure but I want that feeling of living again, instead of just existing.  To live, it means that the passion is there, the goals, the energy, and the determination.  What I have now, is the lust to want to get things inline again but the self doubt in myself needs to just go...it cannot exist in myself any longer.

So here I am, looking for a new me.  I have a new job, a new home on the way, and new adventures to be had but I need to embrace it with full arms.  Kind of what Hubman did with his new change (hubman, you are amazing and thanks for your recent post on this).  One more week...one more week...one more week...

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I am pretty proud of myself.  Today was the first time in a week that I haven't cried about transitioning. Yesterday, I even had a moment of "I am happy to be done with them..." as I giggled with my boss.  She laughed and said that the new replacement will "have fun with them".  I love my boss...she is an amazing woman.

I've been pretty smart about the transition so far.  I think I picked out a great company that is much easier going than I am used to.  I will be in the same position but I have skills that others do not have, thus, I will be somewhat a pioneer and power player.  This new company is very eager and very happy to have me, as they should be.  I do rock at what I do and I can run circles around others. Or so I think...

As the transitioning, I will be doing a longer commute until our house sells or hubbies company buys it from us (within 60 days).  Our new house is set to close in mid September.  We are getting a brand new spanking house and I am excited about that.  Our new mortgage rate is going to be $75 cheaper than our current home plus we get a new home and 600 more sq feet.  It's a ticky tacky but we will make it our own.  We will live about 5 minutes from some swinger friends but our relationship is purely vanilla now that I highly doubt if we will hit it with them one day.  Humm, though I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

When it concerns swinging I wonder how it's going to work in the future.  Not that we are even discussing it but the thoughts are there.  Right now, we are somewhat anonymous in our community.  We rarely run into others and we just do our thing.  In our new community, it's smaller.  You know the type of community that everyone know everyone else's business.  In fact, my husband has coworkers who live right down the street from us and they already know we are buying the home before anyone else.

Our friends swing with others who have kids on the same sports teams and other various community activities.  We've seen them sexting back and forth while at a soccer game with their fellow friends.  I don't know if I could do that.   It's like "yeah, I fucked you last night but now I see you in full mommy mode at the game".  I couldn't imagine in the future going to my son's school and seeing a dad/mom I was with the week before.  What about if people talk?....they tend to always do....lots of risks.  I like being anonymous...I like others not knowing my business unless I share.    So how do people do it?  My kind of fun is being anonymous at a party and just letting things flow.  We love not knowing others.  Our friends have a group of 10-20 couples who have all been with each other.  That semi freaks me out, like "hey I was with them, susie was with them, john was with them, etc".  That just seems too close to me.  We giggled last night that the friends will probably stop inviting us to their parties now that we are a few minutes away....we'll see.



Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Getting there.....slowly :)

I am wrapping things up right now and I am in that phase of saying goodbye to some amazing people in my life.  I'm a pretty lucky gal because I have been touched by so many.  I was breaking the news to some people I work with and have had several break down at the news.  We cry together and I infuse them with positivism noting "you will be all right" "you can do it...look at all the progress that you have done, it wasn't me" and I believe that.  I believe that the move is going to be good for me know.  When looking at the large picture, potentially I have the impact of becoming stronger, more influential in my position because I have something to offer that no one does.  It's kind of nice to have a feeling of being a power player.  I can really do some shaping to the landscape.

The added bonus is that my commute is now knocked down to half of what I was doing, my son will be 10 minutes away from work, and the pace is going to be so much different.  Right now, all I know is  RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN.  Though I get paid a ton for it.  My new position, not so much but it sounds like my new pace will be slow slow slow.  My quality of life is going to be better.

The benefits of all, I get more time with my family, commute time is cut in half, my son is 10 minutes away so I can visit him on my lunch hour, and life is going to slow down.  My new house is twice the size of my old one, it's brand spanking new, and the payment is going to be $60 less than what it is now.  Funny....

So thanks for putting up with me.  I am in a good spot looking forward to new adventures and getting a new me back.  Healthy lifestyle back so that I can be the best I can be for Mr. Learning because he deserves it since I have been so disconnected lately.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

You know in three months...

In three months, my life is going to look different.  The limbo of the last two years will possibly be gone.  We will be living in a new city, new job for me, new home, new daycare for our son, and hopefully a new outlook.

Life.....has.....been......challenging.  I've shut down.  In almost every sense.  I'm numb.  I don't do well with change.  I never have.  It's my personality and my quirk about myself.  I crave structure, routine, and structure again.  While others crave new beginnings, I always cling to my present, fearful at times of what the future may bring.  So I am pressing forward.  I know if I cling to what I currently have now, it will not be that way in the future.

I need to be more flexible, more open.  I landed a decent job, very family friendly, and flexible.  Pressure will hopefully less and my quality of life will increase.

With all of the stuff going on, I have emotionally shut myself down.  Sex is essentially non-existent.  That's an issue.  I'm so out of touch with myself that I am not connecting well with Mr. Learning.  So here's to three months and hopefully I will have something wonderful to report and I will wake up to happiness again.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Vanilla:  I have been meaning to write but life has been escaping me lately.  Which can be a good thing.  My pacing has been no stop for about a year now.  Lately, I've decided to slow it down some and make some simple changes of what I can control and what I cannot.  I think the largest area that I let go is myself.  I was in such a rush last year to get my body back that when it was not going that way, I gave up on myself.  I started getting into this cycling of eating crappy food which lead to me feeling like crap, which led into other feelings.  The other issue laying heavily on my mind is the whole job situation of my husband.  I was doing everything I could to make the situation better for him. I realized lately that he is the key, not me.  

I have been doing a better job at controlling myself.  I'm eating better again and it feels great.  It feels healthy and I love that.  I also let the job search go.  If the other opportunity does not present itself then my husband will have to make some changes.  I will support him in any manner but he needs to step up now and give me some direction.

I am also letting go of the old me and trying to integrate the new me into someone I can recognize.  Becoming a new mom at 35 can be a bit of a struggle and challenge.  I am recognizing that I can't do it all nor would I want to.  I am also learning who I want to become.  This stage in motherhood is wonderful.  I love what my son is blooming into.  He's a feisty little monkey with a personality.  He's very determined and I can tell he is strong headed like mom.  This is getting fun and the worrying about being a good parent is subsiding.  

Swinger: I will be a better swinger in the future after I start attending to my vanilla issues.  I need to really start attending to my sexual self somewhat.  I have been neglectful :(