Vanilla: Life has had it's personal mini challenges lately. It's not the current issues but it's the stuff on the horizons. Stemming from my father's health issues, to Mr. Learnings job, is where I have been struggling. Coming home last night and snuggling in bed, we have been discussing our future path. Changes are coming and the can be well worth it and rewarding. In reality, I have been quite stagnant. I cannot control if my dad has Parkinson's or not but I can control how I live in the here in now with him. I need to stop worrying about losing him for if that is my focus now, I've lost him. I can't be resistant to change or I will never grow. And growing is what makes someone beautiful, doesn't? Staying the same is boring. Imagine if I never changed, where would I be? what risks would I have not have taken? Would I have ever dared to try to be a swinger? or would I have kept it safe and went with the norm.
I haven't made any stupid decisions in life so far. I've tried to do everything that I wanted to in life with no regrets. I've learned from my mistakes and kept on growing. It feels like the past year and a half, I've played it safe. I don't know if it was because we had baby learning but all of the sudden life got complicated and I yearn for security. Yet, I also want change. While snuggling in bed the other night, I started browsing the net for jobs in Mr. Learnings new area for his job. There's a great leadership role in which I am very much qualified for. Yes, I would have to take a pay cut but the title would be worth it. Plus to take advantage of Mr. Learnings relocation program would be amazing. I could work in a city that I would live in without the hour commute. We would have family and friends near us. Life could be better and less complicated. I revamped my resume and it looks awesome. Mr. Learnings dad came up and they helped me work on a killer cover letter. Now I just have to mail it out. Send me good vibes because this change could be positive.
Swinger: I'm excited to hear all the plans that you lucky folks have on New Years. That is so awesome so I am vicariously living through you all. Nothing is happening on the swinger front. I'm still a chunky monkey with no drive to change right now. I'm just so tired all the time. Baby learning has at least 7 teeth popping up right now so I'm still in my laziness mode. I want to start being healthier but I'm so not in the zone. Just in the self preservation mode. So keep it sexy for me :)
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Ah, future worries are sucking me dry....
Vanilla: We celebrated Christmas with my family this weekend. I love being with them because we are about the coming together, not just the presents. We have a nice meal, open gives, and chat. Of course the nephews were dying to open their gifts. At one point when my mom mentioned opening presents both of them dived bombed the bags to open one only to find out they were not supposed to created some laughs.
My sister and brother in law laid into me about the future. There is no doubt that this coming year is going to be very challenging for me personally because we have to make some decisions about life. We have the whole year to decide if we are going to take the relocation package or not. I hate change with a passion. The current struggle with the job has been tackling me with mild anxiety. I know where my resistance comes from. My father and mother were both blue collar. My dad worked the line at an assembly company after choosing to get out of management at small shops. My mom worked the line when I was younger and she transitioned to office based work in the early 80s. I spent the majority of my childhood in the unemployment lines here in Michigan. I remember grabbing a toy and chatting it up with the people in line. Back then, there was no such thing as MARVIN (you call into the line noting that your were looking for work). You simply had to stand in a line to talk to others. My parents instilled in me that a job was a job and you don't leave a good job ever. Especially in a bad economy. I don't want to lose what I have. Right now, I have an excellent job. I love what I do, I love my supervisor, I love my co-workers, I love my company, and I love my benefits. The cons are, I will never be a boss because my personality is too strong, I will not grow too much, I have a long ass commute, and I've hit the glass ceiling in pay. My husband on the other hand hates his job. He loathes every inch of his job. In fact, he has changed his career focus twice in life and it brings him no passion. Though, he has the opportunity to go back to school with him in a field that better matches his personality. The company will pay for him. He just needs to apply for school, yet there is no movement in that area. I'm still on the fence with the whole relocation thing. I can see where it would be nice to have 10 hours extra each week, a better house, and live in a better school district. Though I am afraid about a $20K pay cut, relocating near my inlaws where they would probably be up our asses, and starting a new job where I have to prove myself again.
So I am struggling here. I've been struggling with this unknown for a few months but that icky feeling is hitting me and we will have to deal with it soon. Sucks. That's what I am wrestling with.
Swinger: Humm....nothing to report :) It's the holidays and everyone is doing their thing. We did get some hits on our profile but unfortunately, we have no time to hang out with anyone. Maybe if it was spring but alias, the child care is going down to Florida with the rest of the snow birds. Which means no date nights for a very long time. That's unless we hook up with Mr. Learning's sister and allow her to take care of baby learning for the night. Though, I am not a huge fan of winter travel here in Michigan. So I think we are going to stay put and do nothing for a few months.
Swinging is hard with kids. You all who are able to do it amaze me. It seems like careful coordinating has to happen in order to get things done. I have to admit, I am sad about not having any date nights with Mr. Learning. Maybe we need to get creative and have date days :) humm....that is an idea.
My sister and brother in law laid into me about the future. There is no doubt that this coming year is going to be very challenging for me personally because we have to make some decisions about life. We have the whole year to decide if we are going to take the relocation package or not. I hate change with a passion. The current struggle with the job has been tackling me with mild anxiety. I know where my resistance comes from. My father and mother were both blue collar. My dad worked the line at an assembly company after choosing to get out of management at small shops. My mom worked the line when I was younger and she transitioned to office based work in the early 80s. I spent the majority of my childhood in the unemployment lines here in Michigan. I remember grabbing a toy and chatting it up with the people in line. Back then, there was no such thing as MARVIN (you call into the line noting that your were looking for work). You simply had to stand in a line to talk to others. My parents instilled in me that a job was a job and you don't leave a good job ever. Especially in a bad economy. I don't want to lose what I have. Right now, I have an excellent job. I love what I do, I love my supervisor, I love my co-workers, I love my company, and I love my benefits. The cons are, I will never be a boss because my personality is too strong, I will not grow too much, I have a long ass commute, and I've hit the glass ceiling in pay. My husband on the other hand hates his job. He loathes every inch of his job. In fact, he has changed his career focus twice in life and it brings him no passion. Though, he has the opportunity to go back to school with him in a field that better matches his personality. The company will pay for him. He just needs to apply for school, yet there is no movement in that area. I'm still on the fence with the whole relocation thing. I can see where it would be nice to have 10 hours extra each week, a better house, and live in a better school district. Though I am afraid about a $20K pay cut, relocating near my inlaws where they would probably be up our asses, and starting a new job where I have to prove myself again.
So I am struggling here. I've been struggling with this unknown for a few months but that icky feeling is hitting me and we will have to deal with it soon. Sucks. That's what I am wrestling with.
Swinger: Humm....nothing to report :) It's the holidays and everyone is doing their thing. We did get some hits on our profile but unfortunately, we have no time to hang out with anyone. Maybe if it was spring but alias, the child care is going down to Florida with the rest of the snow birds. Which means no date nights for a very long time. That's unless we hook up with Mr. Learning's sister and allow her to take care of baby learning for the night. Though, I am not a huge fan of winter travel here in Michigan. So I think we are going to stay put and do nothing for a few months.
Swinging is hard with kids. You all who are able to do it amaze me. It seems like careful coordinating has to happen in order to get things done. I have to admit, I am sad about not having any date nights with Mr. Learning. Maybe we need to get creative and have date days :) humm....that is an idea.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Hang ups?
Vanilla: things are going okay. It's a frenzy emotional time at work right now so I am trying to keep afloat. Can't wait until my vacation. I decides not to work the week between Christmas and New Years to repair my mental health. Mr. Learning and I are also going to look at that time by gathering more information on becoming vegetarians for about 6 months. He is struggling with borderline diabetes and hyperglycemia so I've been concerned. He really hasn't made any changes in his diet lately nor have I so we need to plot a new course because Jenny Craig is awesome but we are not losing and paying a fortunate. It's us, not them. They have a great solid program but we are not going anywhere weight wise due to our choices. It needs to change.
I have been putting a lot of stress on myself with this whole job situation and Mr. Learning. It's amazing how one can really stress out about the future. Instead of staying frazzled, I'm going to see where life takes us. We just need to start to get into saving mode. If a move happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't.
I was so stressed last week that it wasn't even funny. Mr. Learning and I went out on a date Friday afternoon. It was nice. When I got home I told him "okay we are going to have some fun" and we did. It was good to reconnect in a sexual sense. It's been a while where it was spur of the moment so it was amazing.
I guess the running theme I'm dealing with right now is just letting life happen. I'm a control freak and worry wart so letting the "universe" take care of me can sometimes get rough but I feel so much better this week. It's amazing.
Swinger: There's a new club in Ft. Wayne. The regulars went there last weekend and it's top notch. This would be an awesome goal to stride for in the new year to attend. It probably wouldn't happen until June but it would be some motivation to get back to the gym.
Mr. Learning and I were chatting about swinging on Sunday. We discussed what we missed and he couldn't come up with anything. I guess this is good but in a way, it is bad. I miss that connection we have with each other when we swing...watch him, the sounds, and feelings. He noted that the only time he thought it was off the hook swinging was the "chair incident". Beyond that, nothing. Which made me kind of sad. I started to think maybe I didn't do my job as his wife to make sure he had a good time, getting his needs met, or checking in with him. He said sometimes swinging is better in fantasy than reality and it seems like some of the stuff we did was much better in fantasy. Granted we didn't always have the best connections with others and hell, we put ourselves into some stupid positions at times with not communicating our limits to others. He didn't really elaborate more why things are better in fantasy and that kind of bothered me. I told him that but he is a man of few words at times. I sometimes wonder if it is our personal hang ups on ourselves. Does it boil down to both of our self esteem issues in the long run? Maybe we could have had more fun instead of our hang ups getting the best out of us? This is something we need to explore and address while we are out of the scene. If we do hit the scene, I don't want our past mistakes continuing to haunt us.
In a way, I wished we had these awesome swinger memories but what really stands out is the awkwardness. Does it get any easier?
I have been putting a lot of stress on myself with this whole job situation and Mr. Learning. It's amazing how one can really stress out about the future. Instead of staying frazzled, I'm going to see where life takes us. We just need to start to get into saving mode. If a move happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't.
I was so stressed last week that it wasn't even funny. Mr. Learning and I went out on a date Friday afternoon. It was nice. When I got home I told him "okay we are going to have some fun" and we did. It was good to reconnect in a sexual sense. It's been a while where it was spur of the moment so it was amazing.
I guess the running theme I'm dealing with right now is just letting life happen. I'm a control freak and worry wart so letting the "universe" take care of me can sometimes get rough but I feel so much better this week. It's amazing.
Swinger: There's a new club in Ft. Wayne. The regulars went there last weekend and it's top notch. This would be an awesome goal to stride for in the new year to attend. It probably wouldn't happen until June but it would be some motivation to get back to the gym.
Mr. Learning and I were chatting about swinging on Sunday. We discussed what we missed and he couldn't come up with anything. I guess this is good but in a way, it is bad. I miss that connection we have with each other when we swing...watch him, the sounds, and feelings. He noted that the only time he thought it was off the hook swinging was the "chair incident". Beyond that, nothing. Which made me kind of sad. I started to think maybe I didn't do my job as his wife to make sure he had a good time, getting his needs met, or checking in with him. He said sometimes swinging is better in fantasy than reality and it seems like some of the stuff we did was much better in fantasy. Granted we didn't always have the best connections with others and hell, we put ourselves into some stupid positions at times with not communicating our limits to others. He didn't really elaborate more why things are better in fantasy and that kind of bothered me. I told him that but he is a man of few words at times. I sometimes wonder if it is our personal hang ups on ourselves. Does it boil down to both of our self esteem issues in the long run? Maybe we could have had more fun instead of our hang ups getting the best out of us? This is something we need to explore and address while we are out of the scene. If we do hit the scene, I don't want our past mistakes continuing to haunt us.
In a way, I wished we had these awesome swinger memories but what really stands out is the awkwardness. Does it get any easier?
Monday, December 5, 2011
It's amazing when you get the energy again!
Vanilla: Hello energy, I have missed you :) I am happy that you are back in my life again. It's amazing what I have been doing the past few days. We have been kicking butt in the Learning household. We are in a massive de-cluttering effort here in the home. We essentially are attempting to get all of the crap out of the home. I am building a huge collection for the Salvation Army in my foyer. By the time I am done, I hope to have that space packed! I'm going through this huge phase right now that I want the crap out of my life. I want things more orderly because I am tired of the disarray within my household. It's not like we are dirty but we have too much stuff in my small home so it's time to do away with stuff. I can even tell that it's effecting my mood for the better. I am done with being a cluttered person.
Baby Learning is back on a regular sleeping schedule. It feels terrific to get at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. My aphasia is not happening as much and my words are coming back to me. Its a scary thing when things slip out of your mouth and it's not the right word. The more it happened, the more nervous I got. My fog feels like it is lifting so I will enjoy this time in my life.
It don't know if things are getting easier but I am managing better with my life. It's been a real challenge the last year because things have seemed so out of control. What I appreciate most right now is getting a better flow. Winter always tends to go better for us because we shut down and do nothing. Both sets of parents are leaving for the south within the next month so life will even get quieter. I think that is a good thing for us because it seems like the rest of the year we are run run run. Winter is a time for us that things just slow up and we get to enjoy life....and hibernate!
Swinger: Mrs. Regular was walking around the mall and little did she see Mr. Geeky with another woman. She luckily avoided eye contact and pretended not to see him because she was with a girlfriend. Humm, amazing how people move on so quickly. Mrs. Geeky just left on labor day to be with the man she was cheating with emotionally for 10 years and now he's with another lady, holding hands, etc. Damn, it's amazing how people in this lifestyle tend to make it or break it. I tend to know more couples who didn't make it over couples who make it. I also generally find that us bloggers tend to make it. Maybe we are smarter, more in tune with our partners...or maybe we are just lucky so folks, keep up the good work and be in the lifestyle for the right reason. Get into it because you are into this lifestyle, stay out of the lifestyle if you are trying to "fix" your marriage because only counseling and motivation can do that.
Baby Learning is back on a regular sleeping schedule. It feels terrific to get at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. My aphasia is not happening as much and my words are coming back to me. Its a scary thing when things slip out of your mouth and it's not the right word. The more it happened, the more nervous I got. My fog feels like it is lifting so I will enjoy this time in my life.
It don't know if things are getting easier but I am managing better with my life. It's been a real challenge the last year because things have seemed so out of control. What I appreciate most right now is getting a better flow. Winter always tends to go better for us because we shut down and do nothing. Both sets of parents are leaving for the south within the next month so life will even get quieter. I think that is a good thing for us because it seems like the rest of the year we are run run run. Winter is a time for us that things just slow up and we get to enjoy life....and hibernate!
Swinger: Mrs. Regular was walking around the mall and little did she see Mr. Geeky with another woman. She luckily avoided eye contact and pretended not to see him because she was with a girlfriend. Humm, amazing how people move on so quickly. Mrs. Geeky just left on labor day to be with the man she was cheating with emotionally for 10 years and now he's with another lady, holding hands, etc. Damn, it's amazing how people in this lifestyle tend to make it or break it. I tend to know more couples who didn't make it over couples who make it. I also generally find that us bloggers tend to make it. Maybe we are smarter, more in tune with our partners...or maybe we are just lucky so folks, keep up the good work and be in the lifestyle for the right reason. Get into it because you are into this lifestyle, stay out of the lifestyle if you are trying to "fix" your marriage because only counseling and motivation can do that.
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