Hang ups?

Vanilla: things are going okay.  It's a frenzy emotional time at work right now so I am trying to keep afloat.  Can't wait until my vacation.  I decides not to work the week between Christmas and New Years to repair my mental health.  Mr. Learning and I are also going to look at that time by gathering more information on becoming vegetarians for about 6 months.  He is struggling with borderline diabetes and hyperglycemia so I've been concerned.  He really hasn't made any changes in his diet lately nor have I so we need to plot a new course because Jenny Craig is awesome but we are not losing and paying a fortunate.  It's us, not them. They have a great solid program but we are not going anywhere weight wise due to our choices.  It needs to change.

I have been putting a lot of stress on myself with this whole job situation and Mr. Learning.  It's amazing how one can really stress out about the future.  Instead of staying frazzled, I'm going to see where life takes us.  We just need to start to get into saving mode.  If a move happens, it happens.  If it doesn't happen, it doesn't.

I was so stressed last week that it wasn't even funny.  Mr. Learning and I went out on a date Friday afternoon.  It was nice.  When I got home I told him "okay we are going to have some fun" and we did.  It was good to reconnect in a sexual sense. It's been a while where it was spur of the moment so it was amazing.

I guess the running theme I'm dealing with right now is just letting life happen.  I'm a control freak and worry wart so letting the "universe" take care of me can sometimes get rough but I feel so much better this week.  It's amazing.

Swinger: There's a new club in Ft. Wayne.  The regulars went there last weekend and it's top notch.  This would be an awesome goal to stride for in the new year to attend.  It probably wouldn't happen until June but it would be some motivation to get back to the gym.

Mr. Learning and I were chatting about swinging on Sunday.  We discussed what we missed and he couldn't come up with anything.  I guess this is good but in a way, it is bad.  I miss that connection we have with each other when we swing...watch him, the sounds, and feelings.  He noted that the only time he thought it was off the hook swinging was the "chair incident".  Beyond that, nothing.  Which made me kind of sad.  I started to think maybe I didn't do my job as his wife to make sure he had a good time, getting his needs met, or checking in with him.  He said sometimes swinging is better in fantasy than reality and it seems like some of the stuff we did was much better in fantasy.  Granted we didn't always have the best connections with others and hell, we put ourselves into some stupid positions at times with not communicating our limits to others.  He didn't really elaborate more why things are better in fantasy and that kind of bothered me.  I told him that but he is a man of few words at times.  I sometimes wonder if it is our personal hang ups on ourselves.  Does it boil down to both of our self esteem issues in the long run?  Maybe we could have had more fun instead of our hang ups getting the best out of us?  This is something we need to explore and address while we are out of the scene.  If we do hit the scene, I don't want our past mistakes continuing to haunt us.

In a way, I wished we had these awesome swinger memories but what really stands out is the awkwardness. Does it get any easier?