Vanilla: Or better off being said, I am not liking the person who I am turning into. I feel like my life has been on this roller coaster lately full of high's and low's. Lately, more low's than high but I honestly feel like I have been sinking slowly into a person I don't necessarily dig. It's hard being this new mom who is supposed to be full of confidence, energy, and spunk. Lately, I've been somewhat scared, lack of energy, and just generally dragging. I want more out of my day. I want to have that burst of energy again and that zest. I'm tired of floating. Maybe this is my rock bottom but I want things to change.
I have good intentions, really I do. I tell myself I am going to "start the gym next week", or "I am going to log my points tomorrow", or "I will not worry anymore". The frank reality, is that I haven't started the gym again, I haven't logged my points, and I am worrying about everything :( It's this endless hamster wheel.
I know my lack of doing better is tied into my emotions completely. I stress eat, I avoid, and I embrace denial...(yes, I may want to look into the mirror and not acknowledge that my muffin tops are there but really, who am I kidding, they are). Yesterday, I went to a meeting unprepared but luckily a coworker saved myself. I ran the meeting and was a tad scattered. Got a text in the meeting that baby learning may have foot and mouth so we have to take him in to the doctor then meet my husband at the doctor to find out that he has an unknown fever. Then I stop at Sonic, grab a huge drink, burger, and some chili cheese tots. This is not me. The old me would have never gone into a meeting so unprepared or stuffed my body with foods because I am not doing well with emotions. It's got to stop.
I am writing this as more of a confession of what I have been doing. As today is a new day and I have goals to accomplish. I'm tired of avoiding what I need to do. It's about time I figure things out because if I continue on the route I am on, I am so not going to like that person at all. She is not reflective of who I want to be. So here I go....