Wow, what a difference a week makes...

Vanilla: I hit a low point last week.  I have to say if that was my rock bottom, I don't want to be visiting that place again.  Saturday morning was awful.  I had my weigh in at Jenny and they asked how I was doing and I'm like "Hey, I'm not going to bull crap you.  I feel like total shit this morning and no matter what you say, I know it's me.  There's no spinning my behavior.  I'm just floating right now.  I'm not meeting my goals, and I don't care".  The sad thing is that I did not care wither or not I was meeting my goals.  I was so tired from baby learning not sleeping from teething, I was awful, emotional, and sad.  She went onto encourage Mr. Learning and I to go on a vacation.  Oh dear girl, how I would love to but that's not an option right now.  I left there in a daze.  I also was totally disgusted by myself.  Then I ended up breaking down with Mr. Learning.  I just started to bawl when he put up our baby gets and put them six inches off the floor.  Now, I normally would not care but I was like WTF.  You are the freaking smartest man that I know but honey, really? six inches off the floor, do you not see our son trying to hang off those? So I started to just sob about how I hate my life, I'm overwhelmed, I feel stress about finding a job, and I am so sleep deprived that I couldn't function.  I told him to get out of the house for a bit so I would have time to think and calm down.  He did.  I got some clarity, calmed down, and got centered.  I chatted with Mr. Learning on what I need right now.  I need some support, I need sleep, and I need to merge my old life with my new life.  Then the universe started to be kinder.  It knew I needed some support.  BB from Our open marriage adventures texted me (you will never know how much I truly needed that support) and my old friend from high school who I spoke about here.  Something began to click. I started to think about my old goals of fitness and eating better.

Then on Monday, I got to sit in with a behavioralist.  I watched him talk to this person and I was in awe because in a way, what he was saying to her, is what I needed to hear.  I had this light bulb moment of that my life during the last two years has been operating out of fear and being scared.  I truly have been operating out of fear lately so I needed to change, get control back.  Where I have control is this job thing.  Okay, I truly love my job.  I love it.  It's awesome.  I am respected and unless if I get this other killer job, I am not leaving.  We will have to work with it.  The other thing, I want to work out.  Now, I cannot control if my son sleeps all night, but I can control when I got to bed.  I'm settling in at 10:15 and waking up at 5:20 to go to the gym.  And I am back to logging the points with Weight Watchers.

Hubman, Josh, Mr. No Name you guys were right.  You both have been saying take a step back, breathe.  It's taken me a while but breathing calmly is now occurring.

Looking back, I fell into this trap after baby learning.  I had a good flow going in the beginning because I wanted to have our old swinging life back.  I wanted to be trim for that.  I wanted to hit the lifestyle again before fall because that is where the fun was.  Well, those were the wrong reasons for me.  I'm totally being selfish right now because I want to make changes for me, so I can be a better me, a better wife, and mother.  I'm getting my flow back and it feels great.  I do love my life and what it can look like in the future.

Thanks for your support all.

Swinger: Well, heck we all know there's nothing going on it that area but I do have to share that I was totally picking up a cute cop last week.  Damn, she was a cutie.  Glasses, pony tail, killer smile, and some curves.  We were bantering back and forth and it was awesome dialogue.  That's never happened before for me.  Humm, I still can bring it with my cute smile :)