Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Wow, what a difference a week makes...

Vanilla: I hit a low point last week.  I have to say if that was my rock bottom, I don't want to be visiting that place again.  Saturday morning was awful.  I had my weigh in at Jenny and they asked how I was doing and I'm like "Hey, I'm not going to bull crap you.  I feel like total shit this morning and no matter what you say, I know it's me.  There's no spinning my behavior.  I'm just floating right now.  I'm not meeting my goals, and I don't care".  The sad thing is that I did not care wither or not I was meeting my goals.  I was so tired from baby learning not sleeping from teething, I was awful, emotional, and sad.  She went onto encourage Mr. Learning and I to go on a vacation.  Oh dear girl, how I would love to but that's not an option right now.  I left there in a daze.  I also was totally disgusted by myself.  Then I ended up breaking down with Mr. Learning.  I just started to bawl when he put up our baby gets and put them six inches off the floor.  Now, I normally would not care but I was like WTF.  You are the freaking smartest man that I know but honey, really? six inches off the floor, do you not see our son trying to hang off those? So I started to just sob about how I hate my life, I'm overwhelmed, I feel stress about finding a job, and I am so sleep deprived that I couldn't function.  I told him to get out of the house for a bit so I would have time to think and calm down.  He did.  I got some clarity, calmed down, and got centered.  I chatted with Mr. Learning on what I need right now.  I need some support, I need sleep, and I need to merge my old life with my new life.  Then the universe started to be kinder.  It knew I needed some support.  BB from Our open marriage adventures texted me (you will never know how much I truly needed that support) and my old friend from high school who I spoke about here.  Something began to click. I started to think about my old goals of fitness and eating better.

Then on Monday, I got to sit in with a behavioralist.  I watched him talk to this person and I was in awe because in a way, what he was saying to her, is what I needed to hear.  I had this light bulb moment of that my life during the last two years has been operating out of fear and being scared.  I truly have been operating out of fear lately so I needed to change, get control back.  Where I have control is this job thing.  Okay, I truly love my job.  I love it.  It's awesome.  I am respected and unless if I get this other killer job, I am not leaving.  We will have to work with it.  The other thing, I want to work out.  Now, I cannot control if my son sleeps all night, but I can control when I got to bed.  I'm settling in at 10:15 and waking up at 5:20 to go to the gym.  And I am back to logging the points with Weight Watchers.

Hubman, Josh, Mr. No Name you guys were right.  You both have been saying take a step back, breathe.  It's taken me a while but breathing calmly is now occurring.

Looking back, I fell into this trap after baby learning.  I had a good flow going in the beginning because I wanted to have our old swinging life back.  I wanted to be trim for that.  I wanted to hit the lifestyle again before fall because that is where the fun was.  Well, those were the wrong reasons for me.  I'm totally being selfish right now because I want to make changes for me, so I can be a better me, a better wife, and mother.  I'm getting my flow back and it feels great.  I do love my life and what it can look like in the future.

Thanks for your support all.

Swinger: Well, heck we all know there's nothing going on it that area but I do have to share that I was totally picking up a cute cop last week.  Damn, she was a cutie.  Glasses, pony tail, killer smile, and some curves.  We were bantering back and forth and it was awesome dialogue.  That's never happened before for me.  Humm, I still can bring it with my cute smile :)


  1. So glad to her that life is clicking for you. I think sometimes sitting back and listening to the advice you would give to others can fit our own lives. You are absolutely right to be selfish sometimes you have to be.
    When the lifestyle is right for you it will always be there. For now just taking care of yourself is most important.

  2. Mrs. Learning,

    I am so glad to hear you are in a better state of mind. It is not easy being a working mother (I was raised by one).

    One of the fitness pages I was reading was saying you will see greater success from consuming less calories than exercising (IF you had to choose). He recommended focusing efforts on all of the hidden calories we don't think of like coffee cream and sugar, eat open faced sandwiches, cut out as many carbs as possible, water instead of juice, tea instead of soda.

    In his example, he was saying you can exercise for 40 minutes and burn 500+ calories or cut 750 calories out of your diet with simple choices. I am trying to do both, but when I fail, I try to eat less/better. Pizza is my weakness :(

    Mr. No Name

  3. I hope you know how much I adore you! You are an awesome woman, and I know that you will succeed. I am here when you need me! :-)