Vanilla: I hit a low point last week. I have to say if that was my rock bottom, I don't want to be visiting that place again. Saturday morning was awful. I had my weigh in at Jenny and they asked how I was doing and I'm like "Hey, I'm not going to bull crap you. I feel like total shit this morning and no matter what you say, I know it's me. There's no spinning my behavior. I'm just floating right now. I'm not meeting my goals, and I don't care". The sad thing is that I did not care wither or not I was meeting my goals. I was so tired from baby learning not sleeping from teething, I was awful, emotional, and sad. She went onto encourage Mr. Learning and I to go on a vacation. Oh dear girl, how I would love to but that's not an option right now. I left there in a daze. I also was totally disgusted by myself. Then I ended up breaking down with Mr. Learning. I just started to bawl when he put up our baby gets and put them six inches off the floor. Now, I normally would not care but I was like WTF. You are the freaking smartest man that I know but honey, really? six inches off the floor, do you not see our son trying to hang off those? So I started to just sob about how I hate my life, I'm overwhelmed, I feel stress about finding a job, and I am so sleep deprived that I couldn't function. I told him to get out of the house for a bit so I would have time to think and calm down. He did. I got some clarity, calmed down, and got centered. I chatted with Mr. Learning on what I need right now. I need some support, I need sleep, and I need to merge my old life with my new life. Then the universe started to be kinder. It knew I needed some support. BB from Our open marriage adventures texted me (you will never know how much I truly needed that support) and my old friend from high school who I spoke about here. Something began to click. I started to think about my old goals of fitness and eating better.
Then on Monday, I got to sit in with a behavioralist. I watched him talk to this person and I was in awe because in a way, what he was saying to her, is what I needed to hear. I had this light bulb moment of that my life during the last two years has been operating out of fear and being scared. I truly have been operating out of fear lately so I needed to change, get control back. Where I have control is this job thing. Okay, I truly love my job. I love it. It's awesome. I am respected and unless if I get this other killer job, I am not leaving. We will have to work with it. The other thing, I want to work out. Now, I cannot control if my son sleeps all night, but I can control when I got to bed. I'm settling in at 10:15 and waking up at 5:20 to go to the gym. And I am back to logging the points with Weight Watchers.
Hubman, Josh, Mr. No Name you guys were right. You both have been saying take a step back, breathe. It's taken me a while but breathing calmly is now occurring.
Looking back, I fell into this trap after baby learning. I had a good flow going in the beginning because I wanted to have our old swinging life back. I wanted to be trim for that. I wanted to hit the lifestyle again before fall because that is where the fun was. Well, those were the wrong reasons for me. I'm totally being selfish right now because I want to make changes for me, so I can be a better me, a better wife, and mother. I'm getting my flow back and it feels great. I do love my life and what it can look like in the future.
Thanks for your support all.
Swinger: Well, heck we all know there's nothing going on it that area but I do have to share that I was totally picking up a cute cop last week. Damn, she was a cutie. Glasses, pony tail, killer smile, and some curves. We were bantering back and forth and it was awesome dialogue. That's never happened before for me. Humm, I still can bring it with my cute smile :)