It's amazing when you get the energy again!

Vanilla: Hello energy, I have missed you :) I am happy that you are back in my life again.  It's amazing what I have been doing the past few days.   We have been kicking butt in the Learning household.  We are in a massive de-cluttering effort here in the home.  We essentially are attempting to get all of the crap out of the home.  I am building a huge collection for the Salvation Army in my foyer.  By the time I am done, I hope to have that space packed!  I'm going through this huge phase right now that I want the crap out of my life.  I want things more orderly because I am tired of the disarray within my household.  It's not like we are dirty but we have too much stuff in my small home so it's time to do away with stuff.  I can even tell that it's effecting my mood for the better.  I am done with being a cluttered person.

Baby Learning is back on a regular sleeping schedule.  It feels terrific to get at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  My aphasia is not happening as much and my words are coming back to me.  Its a scary thing when things slip out of your mouth and it's not the right word.  The more it happened, the more nervous I got.  My fog feels like it is lifting so I will enjoy this time in my life.

It don't know if things are getting easier but I am managing better with my life.  It's been a real challenge the last year because things have seemed so out of control.  What I appreciate most right now is getting a better flow.  Winter always tends to go better for us because we shut down and do nothing.  Both sets of parents are leaving for the south within the next month so life will even get quieter.  I think that is a good thing for us because it seems like the rest of the year we are run run run.  Winter is a time for us that things just slow up and we get to enjoy life....and hibernate!

Swinger: Mrs. Regular was walking around the mall and little did she see Mr. Geeky with another woman.   She luckily avoided eye contact and pretended not to see him because she was with a girlfriend.   Humm, amazing how people move on so quickly.  Mrs. Geeky just left on labor day to be with the man she was cheating with emotionally for 10 years and now he's with another lady, holding hands, etc.  Damn, it's amazing how people in this lifestyle tend to make it or break it.  I tend to know more couples who didn't make it over couples who make it.  I also generally find that us bloggers tend to make it.  Maybe we are smarter, more in tune with our partners...or maybe we are just lucky so folks, keep up the good work and be in the lifestyle for the right reason.  Get into it because you are into this lifestyle, stay out of the lifestyle if you are trying to "fix" your marriage because only counseling and motivation can do that.

Damn, it's been a month!

Vanilla: When it gets quiet for me, it usually means that life because a tad challenging. Work has been kicking my ass and I think I am experiencing a full moon month. People have been horrible with me lately and I'm having to be a very gentle but confrontational person. This does not jive well with me. I am the type of person that people in general will drain my emotional battery so when I come home, I'm in such a huge self preservation mode. When this happens, I just shut down, I am quiet, and I totally withdraw in my own world. I don't even share with Mr. Learning about my day, I'm just in my shell, managing alone not wanting to share about the shit around me. I think I do this because I want to leave work at work and sometimes, I just want to forget my day. Lately, I have been doing a lot of forgetting my days. I love what I do but at this time of the year, everything tends to cycle to the negative. I'm trying to not be one of those people.

I am also struggling with some massive sleep depravation. Sometimes I feel like the universe is not allowing me to sleep. If it's not baby learning, it's Mr. Learning, if its not him, its our cats, if it's not our cats, it's an alarm that I have never heard going off at 3:00 in the morning. So I have been begging the universe to please be kind and allow me to catch up on some sleep. Where it is really showing it's effects, is on my job. I have to be mentally on my game 110% of the time. Lately, I've been so tired that I'm experiencing some aphasia. Which is not fun because I look like a fool but luckily people are understanding.

The weight is not coming off. It's almost like I am putting that on the back burner until the sleep returns. The lack of sleep equals no working out, which means no weight loss so I am in this horrible cycle. I'm hoping that it will change before January. I just lack energy...I know working out can only help me for the better but I am not there mentally. I'm floating right now but at least it's mindful floating. Floating just to survive but I want more than survival but that's where I am at right now.

I have several coworkers who just have kids who are doing so much better than I am. It's like I am wondering where I am going wrong? Though, I have to say, I have the most incredible child ever. He is wonderful. Happy as a clam the majority of time. Mr. Learning is a massive help. We are a great team and we are working together. I am so thankful for that. Bah...enough of the poor me, but this is where I am at today. Mindful of where I am currently and hopeful that sleep will not continue to evade me. The world is better for me when I have some REM sleep :)

Swinger: Nothing too much going on this past month at all. We've stepped back and pulled the profile again to reflect that we are not open to meeting others. We were supposed to meet Mr. Ray (the ones we met at Cherry Lane Nudist Resort) while we were visiting Mr. Learning's sister but after a 2 hour sleep night, we had to cancel. I was really disappointed because I enjoyed Mr. Ray greatly and I was curious to see if the chemistry was still there. We have a raincheck for a beer so hopefully we can cash in on that in the coming months. I wish we had some local clubs that we could hit instead of parties but the only one we have near to us is where swingers go to die, so that is out. In the Detroit area, there are a few clubs so I'm curious about those but we would have to arrange child care with Mr. Learnings sister so that is out for a while. Which is good because we are no where near being swingworthy people right now. Got to get that groove back on.

We spent the night at the regulars. It was great to see them as usual. They are good people and their friendship is worth their weight in gold. It's so nice to have such amazing people in our life from swinging. There are good people out there. You just need to find them so folks, don't give up!

Thanks for listening and I promise not to stay away like this. It makes me sad because I miss some of you. Great days are coming our way which will only make our future better.

I hate reading into things...

Vanilla stuff: I got a message from my sister on facebook this morning to call her when I get the chance. This is usually not a good sign because that isn't her style to really call me or make too much contact with me. She hates talking on the phone so our conversations usually last about 8 minutes. When she asks me to call, it is usually serious. I gave her a call and she noted that she is worried about our dad. He is 76 right now and has generally been in great health. He did have a bout with prostate cancer but he beat it. We had no idea he was fighting the cancer until he was halfway through treatment. His doctor urged him to tell us and luckily he listened. My parents are very private individuals and don't really share. In the past 6 months, my sister and I have been noticing little things like he is not allowed to drive anymore, he's speech is sometimes stammering, has trouble with coming up with names, words, he has had a slight shake with his hands for about 4 years, my mom is filling in the gaps, and the erratic behavior where he has been agitated a lot, and my parents have been fighting. He refers to my child as baby and their new dog as doggie. My sister noted that he called her and he was just struggling. She was worried and doesn't know what we should do. Do we ask the question is something going on? My dad has always struggled with names. He calls me my sisters name and vice versa. He knows what day it is, what year, who is the president so he is orientated x3 but it's the little things. I was concerned so I got him on the phone and he noted that he stayed home from cards today. He did have a ton of umms and ahs. He also could not tell me what 75% of 10,000 is. He was a math wiz. Numbers have never escaped him. I don't know what to do and this sucks. Maybe it could be nothing but I think there is something there and we want to convey it's okay to let us know. We need to support my mom and dad if there is something going on. They don't need to be alone.

Swinger stuff: Okay the meet and greet was interesting. The cool thing about it was that two of our favorite couples were there. We got to introduce them to each other and they both chatted it up. On the downside, I have to confess that we did not talk to no one new. There is several things that I get put off about the lifestyle. I detest the heavy drinking. It's okay to have a few drinks but the amount of alcohol that flows can floor you. I detest that some swingers are inappropriate. For instance, dear creepy man, do not grab the ass of the vanilla waitress. You give us swingers a bad name. She was vanilla because I asked if that bugged her when creepy guys grab her butt and she noted that it did. She told him to keep his hands off. I am also saddened by the lack of just regular people at these things. Okay, we are a nice middle class couple. The majority of these people were looking like the bad Walmart pictures that float around the net. It's like you should go to these things as if you are dressed to impress. I saw Velcro shoes and clothing that was tattered and torn. Everyone can afford to hit up Goodwill for a cute outfit. I know I do :) So it was good to get out, socialize with our friends, but did we meet any new people....no. I know there are some normal people out there....I just know there is. Finding them is the tough thing!

I avoided public speaking in college for...

I came across this tonight. Totally forgot about this until now but in undergrad, I avoided 3 classes until my last semester. Chemistry, English Writing, and Public Speaking. Instead of taking the typical speech class, I took a drama class. I figured it would be easier, which it was. I had to recite this poem by E.E. Cummings and act it out. When I went to act it out, it was kind of cute when I got to the electric fur part...tehehe....I was so vanilla back then...but I really am pretty vanilla now. Enjoy!


i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh … And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

—e.e. cummings

Today went from being a crappy day to a...

I hate crappy work days. I have a group of women who are out to get me, I think. They are totally talking crap about me behind my back. They are on a different unit than myself. The thing is that I have a very strong personality. I am really passionate about what I do and it shows. I hate laziness and people dropping the ball. I don't put up with the bull crap either. These women drop all the time. A month or two ago, they dropped the ball so bad that it could have been disastrous. I called them out, let my boss know, and they had some meetings. I thought things were solved until this one individual keeps on complaining about me to others. The others are my friends so they let me know. Finally today, I heard she was gunning for me this morning. She was complaining that I was setting things so I would not be there. Funny thing is that I am not in charge of that. Then they started to discuss how I never work late because I have to pick up my son. I don't even pick up my son, 90% of the time so that is not their business. I thought, enough is enough. I told my boss that if she doesn't do something about this "gossip" I'm going to blow and because this is ridiculous because I am doing my job. I was in a mood. I hate that feeling that there's a target on my back. Hopefully, things will get addressed but I so wanted to go up to the woman and go "knock it off". Then of course that would be creating a hostile work environment, right? Luckily, I can home, got a hug from my hubby, and life got better.

The upswing of my day was thatVeronica's blog is back! Yippy! Missed her greatly and longed for her posts. Then a huge thank you toWalk and Rollwho stopped by to say "hi" and I am hooked. Woot Woot! It's making my little online community larger. What I loved about Walkand Roll is that they have uploaded video onto their site to discuss their experience at a club in one post. I loved watching their interaction with each other, so positive. This is what the lifestyle is all about. There's some great people out there :)

Okay, can I say that I'm totally...

Okay, I'm totally excited to hit the meet and greet this weekend. I just can't wait to dress up in my dress that came and it's stunning. It's very figure flattering on me. Plus I think I have a new favorite clothes store. It's nice to see that the models are real women who have curves and amazing looking breasts.

I go into every party with a goal in mind for myself and what I want to strengthen. I would really like to work on my social skills. My goal is to chat with as many people as possible and just be open. John, you gave me some good advice a month ago, I'm going to focus on the person I am speaking to. Find out about them and let the other people be the center of the conversation and occasionally weave bits about myself and Mr. Learning in. Sometimes this is my biggest fault in chatting with others is that I will engage but maybe not have the other person be the central character. It can only go well. Feel free to give me any other tips because I'm open.

Life is going well. We are entering our hibernation mode here. The leaves are turning, the fall is here, and winter is coming. In the winter we travel less and hang close to home. I have to tell you that it feels wonderful to spend so much time at home. Since going into "hibernation" I'm really appreciating it. I love my house and just sitting back and chilling out. It's an amazing feeling. This weekend we did some home projects,played with baby Learning a ton, had family visit, and the regulars popped in for a visit. Love it! As for the relocation, we still are on the fence. It's a hard decision but we are talking about many possibilities and they are all good. We just need to see where things end up on Mr. Learnings end.

I think the best thing is that I feel normal again. It's like "Hello Mrs. Learning, nice to have you back". It's nice to find the old yet improved me. I'm just living in the moment right now and I hope it continues.

I've honestly been trying to post over a week now but I honestly did not know what to say except that I've been doing well, very well. My self esteem is getting better, which awesome. I am getting to my normal. I have to admit that I did try the anti-deppressant for a few weeks but after some wacky side effects, I decided against it. Looking back, I don't think I was too depressed but I was extremely overtired. We were not sleeping a bit, which was not good. Baby learning is back on track and sleeping as sound as sound as could be.

As for swinging. It is always going to be there. We are going to a meet and greet event next weekend. We are going to be our friends "wingmen" because they have been dying to check out the venue. We'll see how it goes. I'm dressing up and I can't wait. Here's the cool outfit that I'm going to wear...so excited to just dress up.

Lots of stuff is swirling in my head this week. Mr. Learning found out that his office is officially closing in one year and two months. We are being offered a relocation package to his new office which is an hour away. We have a couple of choices, one is to take the package, two is to do the commute, three is for him to take the job and me to give up my job. The cons, is that I love my job, get paid very well in my field, and I am comfortable. The pro is that we offer my son the gift of our time. Don't know what to do but yet I do. Scared, hate change, but sometimes risks are worth taking, aren't they?