I’m struggling folks...I am. I’m so very tired of this negative self talk that I have been giving myself swinger wise. I want to leave all this shit I have been saying to myself in July so I can proceed to a happy August. It’s been a hard month for me both vanilla and swinger wise. I knew it was going to be difficult but I feel so unbalanced right now swinger wise. In the vanilla world I am good, no great at what I do. I find myself cute, full of positive energy, etc. but lately I’m feeling drained because I have this gapping whole in myself that I can’t plug up. It’s not about the weight but it’s about being comfortable in my own skin again when it comes to swinging? Can I look at ourselves as we have something to offer other couples?

Last night the regulars were over and I was flat out with them on how I think we (Mr. Learning and I) are not fuck worthy, how we are boring, how I think that they are slumming because we are not good enough. Boo! WTF am I doing? Who would want to fuck us if I’m pulling this shit?

I need to stop and I want to do it now. This has got to change because I am exhausted by hearing my negative swinger thoughts in my head.

Rough day :( Baby learning came down with yet another ear infections so it’s been difficult. Poor little guy is in pain and he has difficulty eating so he is not a happy baby. We were supposed to travel to KY for a family party this week but with his ear situation, we decided not to go. It would have been awful for him to sit in a car seat for over 20 hours during a 4 day period. My folks were not to happy about this. I love my parents but sometimes their behavior challenges me. They don’t know how to use their words to say “I am sad about this” “That makes me upset”, etc. Both of them came from similar backgrounds where their opinions did not matter so I highly doubt if they now how to discussion disappointments in life. Which I understand but it’s difficult when it does happen because I will get a negative verbal discussion from them.

So today, I got a major tongue lashing for 20 minutes. It stemmed from me noting “we are not able to come”. At first my dad was kosher with it but then my parents called me back to berate me. I was told that I was not putting my child first because we left him with his grandparents this past weekend. We make no family time for him because he is in daycare all week and it’s our responsibility to be with our son since we work so much. We probably made him sick because we go all the time. We need to grow up and stop going to beer fests. We took my son to the zoo when we should of been home....and other random put downs. I did a great job of standing up for myself. Yes, we are extremely social but my son goes to sleep every night at 7:15. There’s been only two days that he did not do this in the past month. My son did not go to a babysitter, but he went to his other grandparents so it was okay. I noted to my mom that I would love to give her and my dad the opportunity to spend time with my son overnight so her noting about going to the other grandparents was not good because won’t they want to do that? It just saddens me to no end that they just jumped all over me. I am sad that I cannot attend the party. I highly doubt if I will get to see some of the people going ever again. This makes me so sad. I just don’t understand why they needed to pour more salt on my wounds. I was already torn up as it is and to have this happen to me made me so physically ill with anxiety and self doubt.

I hate disappointing people...it’s difficult for me. When you have a child, you put their needs first. Initially I thought I would just go alone but as I thought about it more and more, I could not do that. I would be more miserable without them. I cannot leave Mr. Learning alone with him because tending to a sick child is hard. He is up several times a night and that can get tiring. Though having a child is good because I am beginning to set major limits with others. Possibly that is a good change...

Okay, party details!!!! It was fun as fun could be. Cooler loaded with some amazing microbrewery beer, party dress was awesome, Mr. Learning looked hot as hot could be, and we were out the door.  There was about 115 couples signed up for the event and we knew some people (besides geeky couple) that were going to be there.  We walked up to check in and went into the dance room.  The tables were packed, alcohol was flowing all over, and we settled in with our cooler bag. Said our hellos to the DJs. We hit the dance floor for a while then took a break.  We then laid eyes on our favorite Sexy Grandmother.  She is striking, cute as hell, and energy of a teen.  We adore her!  We met her and her hubby 2 years ago at our first party.  We went to their room for drinks with the regulars.  We had just met the regulars and we were avoiding going back to their room because we didn't want to fuck them.  Funny, huh? Anyways, we caught up with her and it was great.  This was their first party back since we last saw them in October.  They took some time off.  Then the Geeky couple found us so we chatted.  Still like her but he's still a no.  Mrs. DJ asked if we needed saving and I said no because I wanted to handle it.  I did it well, I told them that  we are off the table and not swinging anytime soon so they needed to get out there and meet a ton of others.  They were doing well because several women were coming up to them and engaging them while talking to us.  They finally get scooting to find others. We danced some more and viewed some great stuff like topless women who were stunning and watching others hook up.  Mr. Learning and I watched my Nemesis try to stir up so interest to only fail.  I hate this woman with a passion.  Mr.  Learning had some good descriptions of her during this time and I was dying of laughter.  Party ended, we watched the others spill out to go to the playrooms.  We sat there and shot the shit with the hottie grandmother, her hubby, and sultry chic.  Back story on sultry chic that used to run a club that we used to attend here in town.  It was an amazing interchange of us all.  It was pure comedy all the way. We watched hottie grandmother get shown where her squirtting spot was, we talked about the lifestyle and how we all fit at different places, and how that's okay.  To tell you the truth, we needed this discussion with some fellow lifestylers.  We are not alone, there are others like us out there....trying to figure things out.  We did figure things out last night, where we are right now.  We coined it as lifestyle open.  We love hanging out with lifestyle people.  People in the lifestyle are richer in personality than the regular vanilla people. We love the energy it brings to ourselves and others.  Though we are more voyeurs, if the opportunity presents itself we will swing but we don't need to just find anyone.  Our group all agreed that maybe it's just easier to also find a random couple to fuck instead of our lifestyle friends.  We love the DJs, regulars, and the chemistry's but are we going to fuck them.  Probably not as we came to that conclusion.  

So did we find a couple to fuck? Hell no but did we find some clarity? Oh yeah and a potential date with Hottie Grandmother.  The night was amazing and it's what I needed.

I was just a tad naughty the other day...just a tad. When Mr. DJ was shadowing me, I kissed him and damn I got turned on. I know, not over the top hot, but for me, it was awesome. He's so easy going on the eyes and his personality is terrific. Woot woot!

To go or not to go...that is the question? We are actually thinking about going to the party now. Mrs. DJ found out that we were not going to go. Apparently, the geeky couple sent them an email introducing themselves as friends as ours and noted to them that we were not going. Mrs. DJ texted me and we eventually ended up calling each other. She put me in my place, told me I was being silly, and we should come. She is right. It wouldn't hurt, would it? Geeky couple could be handled like "we are just here to socialize" which we are. Right?!?!? Besides it's Mr. DJs birthday, I'm curious as all hell who the regulars have been fucking because their whole crew minus them are going to be there, and I'm ready to get out and have a rockng time with Mr. Learning.

Mr. DJ is job shadowing me later today...woot woot for eye candy. It still sucks that I can't fuck him :( but Mr. Learning has a pass to fuck her any day. If I'm going to work with him one day no swinging with him on my end, I can kiss him but that's the extent on my end. Looking forward to spending time with him though. I like the calmness that he brings.

I'm fessing up too...I'm admitting that we are not going to the party for two stupid reasons. The first excuse is the geeky new couple. I was trying to avoid them. I hate letting people down...it's a hard task of saying to others "hey, the chemistry is not there" but the truth is, I didn't like how the hubby failed to acknowledge Mr. Learning. I'm afraid if we went, they would hang on us. I sent them an email noting that I'm struggling body wise (which is the truth) and I'm not ready to swing yet post baby (which is true too). The second stupid excuse is that my self esteem took a massive nose dive...I'm trying to get over my hurdle but the pictures don't lie and if I don't feel the least bit sexy, should I put myself in a swinger environment? Humm...I have until Saturday to make up my mind. Mr. Learning is up for anything but it's scary to put myself back out there 30lbs heavier than I left the lifestyle.

Is there such a thing as a voyeuristic swinger?  Mr. Learning and I had an interesting conversation on the way home the other night from my seminar.  I have often felt during our swinging we have had no goals, no direction.  Which can mildly be fraustrating to me because I'm such a goal orientated person.  Like I wanted to know why the heck do we swing?  Mr. Learning has always noted that it's purely social.  He loves hanging out with swingers but...he also noted that sometimes it's sad that the end goal is to fuck someone else.  This kind of comment has fraustrated me as I have expressed to him that swingers do want to fuck.  He's okay with fucking a few but overall, he just doesn't want to fuck just anyone.  Which I understand because I too don't want to fuck just anyone either but if it's a purely social outing... I'm semi confused(I told him this).  Swinging is about fucking others.  We chatted about how it expands our horizons and pushes our limits.  Though where I truly struggled is that it's a social outlet.  I pointed out that we could be putting energy into other things other than swinging...so always two steps forward, two steps back and fumble fumble fumble!

We decided to not hit the party in two weeks. We were looking forward to it initially but as it is getting closer the dread came about so we decided to bail on it. Besides, the only reason why we would go is to see the DJs. Plus we didn't let the new geeky couple down yet so in a way, we are avoiding instead of telling them (or I mean him) that we cannot be with them(I mean him). I think it could potentially turn into some clusterfuck and I definetly don't want that our first party back. Plus that party is never a huge ball of fun either. We have been there a few times and we always leave disappointed because it feels like a meat market. Yes, I know we are swingers but I do have some standards. I like to chat with others, engage, flirt, kiss, etc. At this party, everyone is either with the couple who they want to fuck or it's being oggled by the stereotypical swinger type that lack teeth and have a mullet. Now the party that we love that is two hours away is different. We would be there in a heartbeat but there isn't a party for a while. So off to the beerfest we go but I'm looking for sone adult entertainment...there is a party over the boarder. There is also a club plus there are always some strip clubs. Though, that is usually not too good for me because I fall for their stories and get suckered every time to they get me to buy these expensive drinks. That's if Mr. Learning is not over intoxicated....though when he gets a little toasted, he is a ton of fun. The other option is to just come out to the regulars and say "we fully want to fuck you so let's do it!" but I also don't see us being that forward. But I do promise you we will be doing something fun and adult orientated. Now narrowing that down may be difficult ;)

HNT!!!

Happy fourth of July! Though its been nothing but one big clusterfuck today. It first started out badly because I'm so drained due to baby learnings ear infection. He hasn't been sleeping or eating like he usually does. Poor little guy. I'm tired, cranky, and irritable just like him! Then my parents arrive at my house, Mr. Learning took baby over to the neighbors to chat, failed to acknowledge my folks which pissed my dad off, and then my dad spoke to him and it didn't sound too nice. My sister and her family broke down on the way to our house and I had to pick them up. I felt so bad for them. So needless to say, the day sucked. It's been one of the worst 4th of July's ever. Just felt totally out of control.

It was a great time with the regulars last but I am painfully aware of how out of swingland we are. I'm so fucking vanilla that it's not even funny. I'm not a kinky woman either. I own 1 vibrator, I have 1 glass toy that I don't even know how to use, some lube, and that's it. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm really cut out for this lifestyle because I'm so boring...

The regulars are coming for dinner...so maybe just maybe we will have some adult time? Or maybe not but their company is always welcome reguardless if we swing or not.  Have I mentioned that it has been over a year since we swinged with them.  The last time we did, it was kind of ackward.  She did me with a strap on and it wasn't too hot because it just felt kind of weird.  Plus it felt like she wasn't into it so that didn't help matters.  

Mr. Learning and I had a great talk about swinging last night.  He noted that he loves the social aspect of swing but overall the experiences we have had in his opinion have not been mind blowing.  There's been two times for him that have been over the top.  The one time was with the regulars after a party.  They came back and it was hot.  We had the fireplace going and it was some of the best oral ever.  The second was the Dayton couple that I picked up.  Mr. Learning noted to me that he loves the spontaneous sex over the "let's meet and eventually have sex".  I noted to him that I always feel like he doesn't know what to do participate wise when we swing.   He noted that was true, sometimes he just doesn't know what to do or engage.  Humm! He's a fantastic lover and sometimes I wonder if it's his lack of confidence.  At least my gut feelings were right.  I never want him to feel left out.  I'll let you know how well the night pans out :) send us some sex vibes!      

Watching friends break up with kids is not good.  Our sons godparents are in a true clusterfuck situation that just makes me want to shake them and go "get it together".  They are not married and have two children together.  Their first child was conceived after a month of dating. Which is not a good start to a relationship but it is what it is.  About a month ago, he told his girlfriend that he couldn't do it anymore.  They are going to live in the same house "for the sake of the kids"...we are just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.  It's so sad to watch yet we want both of them to be happy.  He hasn't been happy, he was beaten like a dog from her verbally.  She repeatedly noted to him "if you ever leave me, I will take you for everything you have" sounds like a real incentive to stay, huh? She's great but doesn't know how to trust.  If she had trusted him, maybe they wouldn't be in this situation.  Who knows but it's so sad to witness them self destruct.  I hope they get off this kick of living together for the sake of the kids stuff too.  When he brings a chick home, it's not going to go over well. Man I really love my boring life. Luckily I trust and have such an amazing husband.