HNT

I love sunglasses :) when I was little I could never wear sunglasses because I wore glasses. When I got older I was able to purchase some prescription to save my eyes. I love glasses, I do. On men they are even sexier. Funny thing is that Mr. Learning is the only guy I ever dated that didn't wear glasses. Every lifestyle guy I have been with has had glasses....humm, it's fair for me to say I have a glasses fetish.

I feel better after yesterdays post. I just needed to get that off my chest. It's childish to feel that way because we do have an amazing life. Our vanilla life is busy and sometimes non stop so what I miss about that swinger life is the connections. I have great vanilla friends but my lifestyle friends are a richer relationship if that means anything. They don't bullshit me and I feel I can be myself around them. I guess that's what's missing now. But it's a temporary feeling because my free time what I want is to hang out with my husband and baby. I don't want to throw swinging into the mix for a while. Life is good!

Presentation went okay, thanks for the well wishes Hubman.  I still have to firm up my skills.  I do so much better behind the scenes but it's good to push my limits at times or I would never grow.  

Had to deal with those feelings of being left out with the regulars and chemistry's.  They had their weekend up north and now I see their conversations back and forth on Facebook. I am happy that it worked out for them all but it's "oh darn I wish I could"...  Then I get thinking that these are the times that I wish I didn't know about the lifestyle.  I wish I didn't have the feelings of missing the activities, that fun, etc.  I love my vanilla life but that longing to participate is still there...but then there's that irrational side (or maybe it's my rationale side) of WTF Mrs. Learning, why the heck do you even want to be in the lifestyle again one day?  Why can't you just let it go?i only wish I knew.  In a way, I do know.  Mr. Learning is pretty laid back...very laid back....so laid back that the only thing he had ever told me what he wanted sexually was to swing. So I was open to try, it was so refreshing to finally hear something he wanted. It will be fine but it's such an odd spot for me right now. It's like I'm trapped between two amazing worlds and sometimes I just wish things were a tad simplier with my desires. It's hard to be vanilla when you dipped your toes in the swinger pool. Anyways, thanks for listening.  I always feel better when I can process my feelings here.         
 

I'm going to dieters hell...bahawawa!!! Going into Mr. Learnings sister is the  hardest thing because they have amazing food where they live.  Let's just say my eating went to hell in a handbasket but I had a strong week.  No more travelling until late July, which is a huge relief to me because we have to have some balance.  It seems all we do is run run run and that's not exactly good to do with an infant.  We have a ton of fun but there's got to be some balance.

Work is going okay as long as I keep pretty busy but that's easy in my job.  I have a presentation tomorrow so wish me luck.  I feel kind of rusty but I'm sure I can get back into the swing of things ;) 

Okay...so great catch there John and Ann about carb cycling, I did have a post until the flub on blogger. I always write my post on my iPhone and delete it afterwards so the post was lost :( I've essentially been on every diet known to mankind since the age of 12. You name it, I have been on it. Mr. Learning and I are so fed up with our weight so we wanted to do something about it. After four weeks of weight watchers and mainly gains, we decided to switch things up. We were first going to go on carb cycling but my mother in law mentioned Jenny Craig. I did some searching and I was impressed with Jenny Craig because it's the ultimate lazy persons diet. There's no thinking on this diet, there's just doing. No cooking except for popping meals in the microwave and folks they are yummy. We chose to do this because the sad simple fact is that when you have a newborn and work there is no time at all. This is my day, up at 4 to feed baby learning, gym at 5:30. Get back home, shower, get ready, get bottle ready, and interact with baby learning while Mr. Learning is feeding him. Leave for work, 60 min commute, run like a mad women and do my job. Leave work, got home at 6:00. Baby learning was fussy, tried to interact with him but he was so tired. Pop in dinners, eat, feed baby learning, get him ready for bed, we read to him, then we prepare lunches for tomorrow, and finally rest! Jenny Craig has been a lifesaver for us. I'll let you know how we do. I'm not hungry so far and the processed food tastes great. I would like to be doing clean cooking but time is of the essence right now. I just want to spend as much time as possible with my baby and this program allows me to. I'll keep you all posted on the progress!

Went back to work today.  Cried for about half an hour on my way to work.  I know baby learning is in an excellent daycare but it's hard.  Every mom knows this and they say it gets easier.  Mr. Learning is an amazing dad.  I don't know how single people do this parenting thing.  He is so helpful!  I love my man :)  I married well...  

I'm learning to accept change in my life. A year ago today, I could have imagined I would be a mom, thinking about moving, and leaving my job to search for new opportunities but I am. After weighing out the pros/cons, we have decided that if Mr. Learning is given a relocation package we will take it. That means me giving up my dream job, dream house, and being comfortable for a new challenge. The key thing is that I want better for Baby Learning. Having both parents not local and making a huge commute would not be good, especially when he gets older. When I was little, my parents had to work. I remember missing out on things as I got older. I so wanted to participate in sports, but couldn't because my parents worked. I don't want Baby Learning to suffer just because his parents but their jobs first due to the money. I have a very marketable degree that I can go anywhere. Will I make the money I do now, heck no but could I be close to home? Could I have two hours of my day back? Could I have some growth potential? Yes. I'm open to new opportunities for the first time in my life. Change is good, right? If we don't get the relocation package, the plan is to stay here, sock away money, and move down there when Baby Learning gets older because we live in a crappy school district. The worst in the area. All my neighbors send their kids to private school. If we had to do that it would just be wiser to move because that expense and gas.

Had breakfast with Mrs. Regular yesterday. She ribbed me for thinking about moving, I ribbed her about having a full swap because we both are doing things that we said we never would do. Things are going well for them. She has a massive girl crush on the fulls that she did. It's nice to see her happy with swinging and keeping an open mind. I honestly don't think we will ever swing with them. Stepping back, I love our vanilla relationship. If they were exit swinging, shut it down, I would prefer us to be friends over sexual partners. It makes more sense to me. We discussed the move and swinging. All great topics and agreed that we should meet once a month to keep up with each other. I agree because it's nice to talk about stuff especially swinging with someone you know. She was updating me on their adventures and I found out that they met up with our date for next month. They were not impressed with the couple. The female seemed distant and the man was like leisure suit Larry from Three's Company. She tried to back peddle noting that maybe it was a bad night but I noted it's not like we are going to screw the couple or discuss lifestyle stuff in front of kids. We are meeting the people on a vanilla basis. I laughed and told her that we would compare notes after meeting them. It struck me on how really small the swing community is. Never act like an ass because that reputation can be hard to get rid of. Be on your best behavior at all times :)

I saw Mrs. Chemistry yesterday for the first time in seven months. I missed her so much. The visit was prompted after I told Mrs. Regular that I could go a year without seeing then because they were lifestyle friends only. I knew I was lying when I said this and I felt bad about it. I was just insecure about seeing then because I didn't want to get rejected by them. So off I went :)

It was so good to see her. She is an amazing woman, just amazing. She's made some changes within herself as a woman and I applaud her. I'm seeing a new confident woman who is learning how to be sure of herself...see herself as valuable. She is finally seeing that she is the whole package. Folks, she is the whole kit and caboodle. She has the warmest personality ever. She is intelligent, giving, and spicy. Her smile will light up a room. When we walked into the hotel party that we met them at, she was passing out beads. I wanted a beads so I asked her how to get one and she said a kiss. Needless to say, that is how we got the ball rolling.

I was honest with her and it felt good. I told her I was afraid if rejection and how I thought about her and missed her presence. That felt good to get out. I know it's "bad" to get emotionally attached to people in the lifestyle but I like having them in my life. I like them as people regardless of swinging.

We talked about the lifestyle and how at times it can get complicated especially when we as women, may struggle from self esteem issues. She admitted that it has gotten herself into situations because she couldn't say no. It can be disastrous if you engage in swinging when the confidence is not there. You have to have a pretty high self esteem to swing (or to swing properly) because issues can arise from the lack of self esteem. That's when jealousy, bad feelings, creep into your head and complicate the situation. There's nothing more vulnerable as a female when you are fucking a guy and watching your spouse do someone else. Your head has to be in the right place. That's why I'm using this baby break to strengthen myself as a woman. Not only for swinging but as a wife and mom. The amazing thing is that I'm feeling so much like me again, but only better. Does that make any sense? I don't know but it's a good feeling. Let's keep this rolling.

It's funny how my need for control in life my limit our possibilities.  I need to work on this.  I hate change, absolutely hate it but I know sometimes it can be good.  In looking at Mr. Learning's news yesterday, I shut down completely instead of embracing it.  Maybe change can be good, right?  I'm trying to trust that it is.  In looking at our future options, I may need to come to the realization that I'm not in my forever house or job.  This is hard for me because when I was young, my family moved three times and it was devasting to me.  Now, with the changes, we can either be proactive or reactive.  I would much rather be proactive.  Here are the facts: I currently earn more money than Mr. Learning but I'm at the top of the pay scale.  No raises except maybe COLA.  Mr. Learning will probably earn more than me in 3-5 years.  His company can be very stable.  They very rarely let people go.  My industry depending on politics can be potentially unstable.  They are currently working my coworkers to death at work.  I have generous benefits, as well as Mr. Learning. We both will have to commute 1 hour north/1 hour south.  We currently live in a horrible school district, I mean horrible.  In the future, if baby learning is not a motivated student we would have to send him to private school.  The schools near Mr. Learning's job are excellent.  They offer everything to the students.  That is not the case here where we currently live.  We can sell our house (at a loss of course in a few years) quickly.  We can buy a house down there because it's affordable.  I can find work easily as my work is in demand but I would be paid much less.  I just need to trust that Mr. Learning likes his job enough to do this.  I asked him last night if he liked his work and he does.  Maybe his venting is just his way of letting of steam.  I love my job but could I love another job?  Maybe.  Do I want my son in daycare all day, no.  Do I want my son in crap schools, no. Do I want my son to not be able to participate in anything because his parents work too much, no.  We have a few years but now isctge time to set goals and plans in place.  I also just need to trust and that is a hard thing to do at times.      

We have had this dark looming cloud over us for the past 8 months. Mr. Learning's company has been restructing and they were looking at closing his office. We were waiting for the official word and it's coming today. He just talked to a company lawyer and it looks like the office is indeed closing. Shit. My kid is going to be in daycare from 7-6 unless we seriously look at some options. I make really good money for my career, infact, I make about $30K higher than most of the people in my career. Mr. Learning just got a 15% raise.

When you have a child, it is true that your priorities change. I can't imagine him being in daycare for that long. Mr. Learning used to do the hour commute to where they will be transfering him and it was hell. Mr. Learning hates his job but I honestly think he would hate his job no matter what. So even if he went back to school for another bachelors degree, I think he would be miserable. This is his second career. He hated his first career too because at the age of ten, he was hell bent on that career. He didn't explore any other options except that career. Now, he is poised at doing the commute again. He doesn't want to...I don't want him to either but in life and this economy, there are very few choices. What we can control is our schedules. I can control my schedule to a point and so can he. Baby Learning doesn't have to be in daycare from 7:00-6:00, there are options for us, but we just need to communicate. I could flex two days a week, so could he and then one long day in daycare for baby learning. He was wanting to totally quit his job and stay home but I don't think that would be a great option for him either. He's not the type of guy that would be great at staying home. He would get bored. I'm just so sad today. It will all work out in the long run, I know but today...well it just sucks. Though, it could be worse.

Today is my first mothers day as a mom to someone.  I admit that for many years I have been petrified to have a child who I was solely responsible for.  I've seen so many children messed up from their parents poor choices in my life.  I haven't seen stellar parenting too much.  I didn't want to be one if those people.  I never felt ready to be a mom, even during the pregnancy I questioned if I was ready to do this.  Then I started to think about what things I know I'm great at.  I know I'm great at the loving part.  When I love, I love fully with my heart.  I knew I could love this baby fully and unconditionally.  I am patient....very patient.  I can ask for help if I don't know something or look it up on you tube (you would be amazed what I have learned from you tube). I can laugh at myself on how stupid I am at times.  I can be encouraging.  I can keep my promises.  When I fail, I can admit to my failures.  I can be a great mom.  I will do my best to be the best mom possible.  I will fail him at some points in his life but that is life and I'm not striving for perfection.  I just want to be good :) I love baby learning and thank God for him because he is amazing.  Happy mothers day to all moms out there!       

I have never had the urge to tell someone I was a swinger until a lunch date with an old friend from high school yesterday.  She was in town so we met up.  In high school, she was always quirky but cool.  She was one of those uber intelligent girls who always wanted to be in the background.  She didn't want to show herself off.  She talked about how she always faded herself out in life, no attention from others.  She wants to live life but she is her own worst enemy.  Shes gained 150 since high school but she is still beautiful.  She dreams of going zipping lining but doesn't out of fear of her weight, that she cannot, or she will piss her pants.  She dreams of travelling to see yosemite but hates to travel.  She wants to believe in herself again and I can see it happening.  We discussed how her husband never gives her an unsolicited compliment, it's been four years since he has said something kind.  I asked if she thought that he knew how and she noted "yeah, he'll say some woman has a great ass".  I then chimed and said "next tine when he does this tell him to bring her home for you so you both can enjoy her". Opps, I would normally never ever say something like this to anyone and she replied "I would enjoy that a ton but my husband isn't into that".  I wanted to tell her about how encouraging the lifestyle was and how when I went to a nudist camp, it finally clicked that a body comes in so many shapes and sizes.  Everyone (minus those with crappy attitudes) has a beautiful body as it's just a shell. It's true that beneth the layers, your mind is what is mist attractive. I couldn't tell her this but I so wanted to. I saw myself kind of in her yesterday.  I know I'm making awesome progress and coming around.  I'm always about how people are transitional in your life...they come in...they come out...yesterday she came in and that's what I needed.   

Swinger tip #1

I don't think I told this story yet. Swinger tip #1...never never never travel in the same car when going to a club with swinger friends that you are vanilla with. You always need an out.

We met a couple at the first party we ever went to. They were super nice and cool. Though, they were about 17 years older than I and we were not attracted to them in a sexual manner, just loved being around them. We hung out with them a ton, doing movies together, dinner, breakfast, and going to a swing club a few times where we just share the same space, no fucking them. That was the first mistake, we spent too much time with them which probably sent them mixed signals. We did this for about 6 months. It was the his birthday and their son backed out in going with them out of state to a concert. They offered us the tickets and to go with them. We accepted. We travelled with them 6 hours out. We decided to hit up a club on that Friday. We always told them, "if you see a couple that you want to be with, go for it". We never picked up a couple with them because no one struck our fancy up until then. I had spotted this amazingly hot couple right when they walked in. She was stunning and so was he. She was the cute blonde, beautiful breasts, stunning smile. He was this cute blonde, stunning smile too, and they had a nice chemistry together. I wanted to go over to talk with them but I was scared. Soooo I did what any shy women does, hit on her in the bathroom. I told her that I thought she was adorable. She said the same about me...she brings me back to their table to introduce me to the husband. We chat and I bring them over to the table with Mr. Learning and the friends. We talk and the chemistry is hot with couple. They are new and have not done anything before. I thought well we all can go upstairs and do our spouses. I presented the idea to all. The friends said that they would be up. We waited about 20 minutes, our friends never came up. By that time we were enjoying the hell out of the other couple. Mmmm, it was nice. I loved everything we did with that couple. About some time later they find us and us that they are leaving and if we don't leave now, we will need a cab. We get out to the car and she throws my purse at me. We ride back in silence to the hotel. At breakfast they are cordial but distant. I said to them, "okay...we need to talk". From there I get the worst but chewing in my adult life. She is mean, very mean. We manage to smooth things out for the weekend to get home. Our friendship was over. So this is my first swinger tip, always ride seperately. We could have been dumped 6 hours from home. That whole trip
was a clusterfuck. Funny thing at Christmas time, I'm in one of my favorite stores. I look up and there she is. She is cordial, I am cordial but I think back and go how stupid were we?

HNT: 9 weeks post pregnancy...

This is me...post pregnancy 9 weeks. Not as scary as what I thought. I was scared to post it but I wanted to also do it to get comfy again with my body. I know it's temporary but I'm craving my old self esteem back again. It's there somewhere...come out come out where ever you are...hehe!

Damn, I wished that pregnancy in heels on Bravo would have been on when I was pregnant! I love this show because it actually dealt with some of the issues that came up while I was pregnant. My first issue that I saw on the show was "Experiential Avoidance" which according to wikkipedia, is that has been broadly defined as attempts to avoid thoughts, feelings, memories, physical sensations, and other internal experiences—even when doing so creates harm in the long-run. I thought while pregnant that our life was essentially over with. I worried about how life was going to change so much that I neglected to see all the positives that a child could have added to our life. The other issue on the show dealt with a couple whose sex life took a nose dive during pregnancy. That was me...I'm confessing that we only had sex five times during the whole pregnancy. That is sad :( I was so scared, had such massive issues with my body, that I could not/would not connect with Mr. Learning in a sexual manner. We went from a very active life to me just giving him a hand job or blow job. Reconnecting with Mr. Learning is really important to me right now. It's been a long 10 months. I want the next pregnancy to be different. I want to do things right because I feel like I missed some lovely moments during the process. I was so consumed with issues, that I missed out of the actual joy. I feel sad now that I didn't take more pictures of myself with my belly. The pictures that I have now, I cherish them. I so wish I had more :( so I can't repair the past but hopefully next time I will be less neurotic. I feel like the hormones are decreasing and my old but new self is returning. It feels great to have one of my hobbies back. I loved working out, I love the gym and being on a treadmill kicking butt, sweating, or standing on a balance ball for 2 minutes. I feel like me again. I'm on day 2 at the gym. Baby learning has been good for Mr. Learning so I'm thankful. The key is preparation and organization. I figure if I can figure out the schedule now, it will not be a shock when I go back to work in a few weeks. On Friday, we are doing a trial run for baby learning at the daycare. Mr. Learning is going to drop him off and I will be picking him up an hour later. We totally going to prep the night before as this is the key to success (or at least I am hoping).

I sent a message to Mrs. Chemistry the other day noting that I was scared to see her and Mr. Chemistry because of my weight gain and how I'm not nearly back to my pre-pregnancy body. I figure that most lifestylers are like the vanilla world, consumed with outward appearance. I easily forget that most swingers are pretty accepting of many things, especially bodies. It's like you are embraced more in the swingerworld for who you are, not what you look like because they see everything. It's like the swinger world makes you more vulnerable but in a good way. I figured honesty is the best policy and to tell you the truth, I can talk more openly to Mrs. Chemistry more than any friend I know (well besides Mr. Learning). It felt good to confront my fears of seeing them. We set up plans for next week so I will be making the two hour drive to meet up with her at my favorite store. She can meet baby learning and we can see each other. I miss her terribly because I felt we connected well both in the vanilla world and in the swinger world. Kissing her was the most amazing feeling. She was good, very good. It helps when being with a bisexual woman who knows it because man, they know what to do. Her skills were something :) She kissed like a man, which I love how men kiss...that hard passionate way. I know I'm too soft when kissing another female. Some women like it hard, very hard but it's not my style. Now that is something too look forward to.

Balancing vanilla life is going to be difficult this month.  We are essentilly gone every weekend this month except one.  Birthday parties for a neice and a nephew, vanilla get togethers, mothers day, family trip up north to stay at a classic hotel, and then memorial day.  Then you add going back to work and taking baby learning to daycare.  Yikes!  Our first night away from baby learning is this weekend.  He'll be 9 weeks old.  We are doing a test run so we can got to a reception on Saturday.  Then we are going out with vanilla friends that night.  I totally trust my inlaws so I feel good about it.  I just will need to call every couple of hours to see how well he is doing.  Drat!!!!! My mom just called, family plans on Sunday so no leaving the baby because we can't be bouncing back and forth from up north to down south.  Another time then. This is how the new life works...flexibility.

We took baby learning into his daycare last week and I'm in love with the place.  They are so interactive with the infants.  I just can't believe all the good stuff they are doing.  I know it's going to be hard to leave him but it will okay...I keep telling myself this because cheerleading statements work.

I went back to the gym today.  It's been 10 long months.  It felt good, really good.  Today was the longest that I stared at myself in the mirror. I don't look too bad, just a tad fluffly. I've honestly been avoiding mirrors for months now. Talk about confronting my fear, and it wasn't that bad! Now I just need to master gym and kid in the morning.  

We have a son that travels well!!!! For right now that is but I will take it.  We had a great weekend, it was amazing.  We started out at the regulars and had dinner with their family and our son.  They watched the kid and we played board games with their son and his girlfriend.  Then we chilled for the rest of the night chatting about current events.  The son slept 10 hours!!!!  Woot woot!  We got up and headed into Chicago where we met the godparents for a birthday dinner.  It was nice.  Then Mr. Learning communicated a boundary (which never happens...he is stepping up!!)  He noted "hey we would like to hang but I'm tired so we are going back to the room and crash" and crash we did.  We got this huge room, downtown, on priceline for super cheap.  We were in our PJs at 6pm and little man slept 6 hours.  Okay, can you say amazing...I could get to this. 

Did better at WW this past week.  Loaded up on transitional clothes at goodwill and got some new jewelry at Target.  It feels great to be outbid the maternity clothes and into something that fits.  I'm feeling more like me again.  Starting the gym with cross training tomorrow.  Life is getting back to normal.  

So the regulars finally went full though not with the chemistry's.  Which makes me wonder why Mrs. Regular was so worried a few weeks ago. Anyways, Mr. Regular and I were texting back and forth today and he noted that they were full now.  He said something like "when you get back in the game maybe...". I just told him that we are taking it slow and he can make time for us softies if they want.  They have been hitting the lifestyle circuit pretty heavy.  I still contend that when you are soft and hanging out with all fulls, well you are going to be eventually a full. It's way too tempting.  

We have a meeting planned next month.  It's going to be strictly vanilla because we are meeting a couple who is looking for swingers with kids to do vanilla stuff with.  It might be a good match and they know we are vanilla right now so they are kosher with that.  We are clear about our break and it's not an issue for them.  We'll see but at least it would be nice to meet a couple who has young kids because it feels like there are very few couples like us.